what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. what didn't kill you has gotten stronger.

four planes crash, one, then another, then the other two, in the backyard of my parents house. the passengers limp up the hill holding each other on their feet. I let them know this is no coincidence.

they burn my mother's house down. they take her and my sister away. they say it was me they were looking for. they shoot at me. i push the bullets back at them through the air. they bounce off their skin and fall to the floor. everyone is laughing, the woman behind me shakes her head in pity. i cannot overcome these people, but i will not comply.

they have the whole world traced and covered. i cannot escape. i search the skies for a counter movement.

poor girl

in my room birds gather at my feet. i step carefully to not hurt them. i let them out into the hall.

chelsea lets people in from a sofa in the other room. she is watching t.v. i am waiting for you. someone kisses me not long enough. his girlfriend sits at his side and waits patiently. he was supposed to be you, and i know you will not come.


earlier i tried to find you at a fair, but all my signal signs were mimicked in the air. the powers that be said wait. i wore a lucky penny embedded in glass around my neck. a dainty girl helped me read an inscription with the magnifying glass she wore around hers. saint agnes and the alps etched on either side. it was a locket.

i found you playing in a vaudeville show. i sat in front in a large velvet sofa chair. your costuming was obscene and beautiful. girls danced all around you. you had no need for me. i decided not to come up to you after the show

milk bath

i am lying in a bathtub. i am bleeding, turning the water red - my body is covered in open wounds.

you creep in and sit across from me. you are naked and your flesh is sickly white. you come forward and lay above me. -we touch skin with the tips of our noses. we do not kiss. your chest heaves as you cry, because this love is an old love. because this love is something you will never do. my hands stay at my sides. my fingertips trace the curves of your back.

you are gone and i don't miss you. the water is pink milky red and white. i sit up. head between knees, i pull a purple ribbon from my throat.

dreams about death

DREAMS ABOUT DEATH

there are a lot of subcategories to this topic.

the great thing about dreaming in bulk, is you can separate your life into these little dream theme eras. for example, i had a lot of chasing dreams when i was little. -- running away from something horrifying, or getting stuck while something threatening closes in on me - always escaping at the last second - running like mad. I'd say these lasted till i was about 10, maybe 8.

from 11-14 i had a lot of smothering dreams. dreams the air was removed from the room...dreams my lungs filled up with cotton (great feeling), a hand over my mouth, biological war fare. drowning. a lot of drowning. so when i was fifteen i learned out to breath underwater. I still don't like my breathing infringed upon in my waking life. these dreams were a big deal.

The first drowning dream i had: age 12
awake: i am laying in bed staring at the fan..i start twitching something awful and try to move. i can not move (my first (remembered) experience of sleep paralysis...beginning of a fun life). i start to panic, this would not be obvious, i cannot move. the room is as it is. three dark hooded figures float above me. they say nothing. the don't move. they just hover above my head between me and my fan. i dont know that i'm asleep, but i figure i must not be awake. i feel pushing on my chest, my legs being squeezed. now i am on a boat. my cousin is floating in the water. i jump in to join him. my sister and my other cousin are there. they are tredding water. i try to but i cant. i go under. they grab for me but i sink farther and farther down. i struggle, my lungs fill with water. my cousins face with his hand extended -- a last bit of light, the sun on the surface of the water, flickers green. i wake up exhausted.


The last drowning dream I allowed myself to have: age...13/14
Everything around me is white. there is a a rumbling drone sound. i take a breath and and immediately choked. i realize my head, my whole body is submerged underwater, my hands are behind my back--the rumbling sound is the facet. i struggle to get up. there is smeothing holding me down, not a person, but some device. my hands are tied together so well. i remember how i set it up so i couldn't change my mind. i grimice, i am exhausted. i look to my left and see red dancing like ink in the water. my brain goes completely warm and then an orange black like closing your eyes in the sun. the warm trickles down the sides of my head and all over my body. (what it feels like to die in every dream i've ever died in).

That was the first suicide dream i ever had. arguably the only one, but there's no one to argue these things over given they're exclusive to me. Dark times man...

-8/10 - chasing dreams
11+ : experience of voices in the room
12-14: smothering dreams (drowning) - highlighted by occasional hallucinations of people in the room, holding me down, smothering me, often times worse.
13-17: people standing over me, i'd say 14+ is when the narcolepsy kicked in full force
14-18: witnessing the harming of the people i love. lots of blood. everyone dies
15-20: apocalyptic dreams. surviving or not. if surviving, dealing with it.
18-22: the fucking warrior years. i kicked ass during this time.
21-22: passive and scary individuals in my space. people being harmed in my presence, maybe indirectly because of me. me helpless.

8-22: sex dreams. haha they're no nightmare! but recurring none-the-less...

holy/hell

.....(long excessive dream introduction)
i am with a friend from elementary school, Stephen. He is pale and red haired. I associate him with ron from harry potter. We are in an old irish or english home. After doing some weird dream shit with floating candles, we are sitting at the base of an old wooden, creakedy staircase. at the top of the stairs the door opens to a kitchen where an overweight women is working.

"you know you are great. you are destined for greatness, there's no avoiding it. why don't your let people know? why won't you let yourself be." he says. i am sitting with my back to the top of the stairs. as he is explaining and asking i get tense and nervous. i start to cry. i do a paranoid back check, looking behind me up the stairs and into the kitchen. "because what i'm destined to be great at, people will want to hurt me for."
he looks at me with revelation in his eyes. "that's right. he had said tha..." a woodcarving tool comes shooting through the open door at the top of the stairs, hitting him dead center in the forehead. i leap to block it, but am too late. blood blends red with his hair and trickles over his blue eyes. i quickly 'bless' the other two people we are with and feel awful for not doing this sooner.

i wake myself up to avoid conflict. once awake, i consider going back to sleep and starting the dream just before the blade was thrown and to stop it so i could hear what he was going to say. I decide not to. no sense in putting yourself in a hostile situation. I am sick of bloody dreams.


(((((((earlier dream)))))))))
looking to sex an attractive white male who is down to sex me (no use on wasting my *mental energy* on someone who's going to be difficult). mark with green light. encounter too young of a someone. new criteria - 21+ - marked by blue light.

i find some dude, he is crossing the street with three girls. he is wearing a camel colored jacket. i whisper in his ear. he smiles and tells the girls he'll catch up with them in five minutes. oh great! that's not time at all. i get us in cab.
we share a cab with some strangers. end up in a hotel
i find a way to get a room for free
room 32.
we're going to the room. people from the cab are coming down the hall. my sex toy boy is starting to deflate. i try to hold him up straight as they pass so they won't be suspicious of us. soon he deflates all the way. i am holding a limp suit wearing skin out in front of me by the shoulders with the thumb and middle finger of each hand. i decide it'd be best for me to drape it over my arm. if anyone asks i'll say it's his dry cleaning.


SEX IN DREAMS
Sex is a fickle little battle in dreams. the dream very quickly becomes what it's not about, by which i mean the subject i want it to be about (which most often times is sex.). this is quite unfortunate. When this happens, i am forced to wake up, go back to sleep and try again. When i do finally find a willing young man (sometimes there are no people in the dream and i am super horny...that or there are people, just no one sex worth) and we get busy, things may or may not go as i had planned. i regularly wake myself up by spending too much mental energy trying to improve the situation (upgrading his assets, changing the scenery). When it's great, something else in the real world wakes me up. That or it's just plain great. This is the ideal.

great surrealist tricks!

i am a great magician. really i'm just me.
my classmates are filming a movie.
they are covered in colorful, cheep silks.

i'm on the side watching. i make flowers shoot out of my hands to pass the time. it stings like stigmata. the wound in my hand grows and grows.

leigha asks me if i can make ants come out of my hand. i make gumdrops and 'a wee cone of cotton candy.' they appear out of thin air between my cupped hands. i hand each to her, then make ants come out from the center of my palm. great surrealist tricks!

a lot more happens in this dream, but its not so interesting to write. bad psychics and worse friends. my hands throb.

i may or may not throw up.

real life: i turn on music and lay down for a 10 minute nap. while i'm asleep the song "bye bye butterfly" by pauline oliveros comes on.

(this song:
(only seven minutes long)

in my dream. i am in a chalky white auditorium. we are sitting on a podium listening to sound pieces. alex is behind me. my performance professor is to my right. the song is piercing, haunting. i tilt the podium forward and we all fall, synchronized, like this was planned or expected, our hands catch us in front of our chests. i rise back up. everyone follows my lead. the lights are dim and we begin to dance. the song progresses slowly, or movements follow. lauren is to my right.

i am literally weightless on my feet. i hover. levitate above the ground. i cannot feel the ground when my feet touch it but it's there, shining chalky white. our reflections are vague in the window. we are wearing black cat suits. lauren begins to levitate as well. we all do, higher and higher. a few girls touch the ceiling with their heads. when they do the room is flooded with bright warm light. our energy is booming. our focus unparalleled. i float to touch the cieling with my head. i can't get quite high enough. i push off the floor, which i can't feel below my feet and finally make it. the dance crescendos and on lookers are pleased. there is a great finale.

we are finished and breathless. the room again dark. in the front row we are laying on our bellies. i look behind me to two kneeling girls talking behind me. there is something that resembles nailpolish on my back. i identify it as drying blood, but have no idea where it came from. the girls are as confused as me. where did this come from. i thought, maybe i cut myself. i see blood streaks on the arm of another girl. we were really into it. i see random drips of blood on the floor. this is not our blood. there is too much. the drips increase to converge at puddle where the floor meets the wall. i follow it up. on a metal wall fixture a lifeless body is draped. dressed in a black catsuit like me. dressed in a black catsuit like everyone else with her body draped dead and wet and bleeding. her head dangling. the song pierces haunting operasings and my heart stops working. the lights are still off and no one sees.


what monsters am i with? how could i have led this dance
i turn away horrified (which is not the correct word).
the lights turn on and i hear the horrible screams of revelation with my eyes shut.

i am awake and i am crying and i may or may not throw up.