and i start this dream with a bj....(i'm sad i said i loved you, but i don't regret it.)

we are filling up a bath and getting sexy. we stop for a while for me to take my clothes off you say something along the lines of 'it's going to be overwhelming.' sitting back in a blue button-up shirt i say, 'it's okay, i can handle it' and roll over onto my belly. i look back at you and say 'because you know i'm in love with you right?'
you don't respond.
i didn't expect you to, that's not why i said it.
you leave because you remembered something.

i'm sitting in the quarter-filled bath. she comes in and says she needs to take a shower now; sorry, get out: she has a baby shower to go to.. he is going to the same one. 'he's going to come back and he is not going to fuck you' she implies. she says something about having sex in the tub. i said we didn't have sex in the tub. she says i should get him to bring me to the baby shower. i say nah, that i would if he wanted me to, that it would be weird to ask. that i have plenty of things i should be doing. a baby shower is a pretty awkward thing to go to. we're not even dating.

we are standing in the hallway talking. she says 'of course a man would never miss you. men don't miss anything' i say, 'i don't know, i hope that's not true. i mean i've really missed him.' (i don't say who him is.) (i mean i hope he misses me too.)

i ask her what you are doing. she says you're looking for something. i ask her if she wants to see a trick. she says sure. i tell her to name something in this house she wants. she says cigarettes. i try to get the cigarettes. obviously there were none in the house. so i say, "okay i'll try my purse." i attract my purse. you come back upstairs. my purse slams into the door and gets stuck. i tell you if you ever can't find anything, that i can do this trick and then you don't have to look. you don't seem disinterested. i just can't read you.

we leave. i attract everything in the house that is mine. i realize i wasn't wearing shoes. all i have are muddy flipflops. you want me to go to the baby shower or maybe you feel obligated to invite me. i look like a sexed wreck and all i have are muddy flip-flops. i'm sad i said i loved you, but i don't regret it.

heroin takes up a lot of time

david's band is playing a show at something is very much like a high school, if not actually a high school. i watch them play from the second row with about fifteen friends. some kid who is there new manager hits on me. he must not know who i am... so after the show i go to the bathroom. well i go and look at myself and i look a mess. i shaved a triangle into the side of my head. i guess it would cool if i didn't look so tired. i considered trying to go see david, but decided i looked too haggered. in the snack line is chris calzone and bryan miller and all those boys. they are all punked out like MAD. i ask them if they remember me and they all say OF COURSE and shower me with knuggies and hugs and cuddles and squeezes and it is great and i feel so safe. they are playing a show in the lobby. i see joey harmon in the snack line. i say hi. he ignores me, chris is holding me around the waist from behind with his chin on my head. i say whatever. i tell chris i dated a guy in that band for two years. and he said oh you should introduce me they weren't bad. i tell him i can't. i know david is successfully hiding out from me somewhere, and i don't want to be disrespectful. I want to ask chris about eric, but i decide it would be inappropriate...
so the boys start playing their show and they are really good. eric is there! and he looks alright..in between songs and during songs they slip in my name and tell me how much they miss me. i try to make eye contact with eric, but he pretends he doesn't see me. i walk outside to see if i can catch david because i know they have to load up their stuff eventually. i didn't want to be confrontational, i just wanted to see him. this kid says he'll come with me for moral support. he gives me a leather jacket and puts his arm around me. we walk down the side walk. i see david he comes out and is like "HEY i was gonna come see if i could find you but i decided i better not!!!" which is rude, but i was like "ohhh SAME!!!!" mimicking his enthusiasm. he takes me in for a hug and i hold my left wrist behind his back with my right hand. a hand grabs tight around my arm above the elbow. it's the guy that came with me. i break up the hug. i introduce him to david then realize i don't know his name. he extends the hand not holding my arm and says "hey man, i'm pete.' then turns and pulls me away. i fall. david says "oh!" pete keeps walking, dragging me behind him like a rag doll. i look at david and try to explain he doesn't mean it, that i don't even know him. he just says "oh!!" again and stares at us wide eyed. pete pulls me up on my feet, but continues to pull me by my arm, right above the elbow. i wonder, scared, if david will come send people to come beat him up. i decide he won't. i walk back to the show alone. this weird boogery punkrocker kid comes up to me and wants me to come into this weird room with him. I keep walking and refuse him. he follows me. I get back to the show and everyone is gone. the mics are still up, but some of the equipment is missing. I look at the boogery kid and ask where they went. He walks away and i follow him. he takes me to the room he was trying to take me into earlier. Conner and some other kid whose name i forgot enter through the door the kid tried to take me in earlier. they have hoods up over their heads. they are paranoid. i tell them it's just me. and they say oh. i pull the hood off one of their faces (conor's). his eyes were huge and black and his skin was pale and sweaty. i said oh sorry! and put it back over his face. then eric showed up and was like "not danielle, ah man" i felt bad. i said "eric it's okay, i don't care what you do. i love you no matter what bra'. you're doing your own thing i totally respect that." so he came in and talked to me for a two seconds. mentioned some chick named veronica. mumbled nonsense. i didn't want to ruin his high anymore than i already had, so i let them all go. i thought for two seconds about following them. but decided starting to do heroin would be a pretty big commitment. i walked home.