everything is red

kids take off their sneakers, lie on their backs and shoot heroin into the bottoms of their feet



i made sand paintings on the floor of the school's office. it comforted me because your mom was working and i could hear her voice in the background. she would come in and check on me. An outgoing kid came in and asked why i didn't take painting 4, the theme was sound of music. I asked "is it fair to say i didn't know it existed?" I find, instead of painting, I choose to do the most tedious things possible. blessmyheart

we are hanging out with David's friends, but you are you. A blonde comes in and she is josie. You want to put your arm around her but I am in the way. I am mad I am limiting you, but glad we are hip to hip. There is a picture of you and her. she is blonde and you don't like blondes, but you like her. She has a cute face and doesn't remind you of me or anyone else you've been with. She is new

our love hangs like cats legs being held by the underarms.

everyone leaves. you are behind the bar. you have you head down and you hear my sister and you say goodbye michelle, goodbye danielle. I say, oh sorry, I am still here. You say " no that's fine. that's just fine. don't worry it's okay. if you want to stay you can. I wasn't going to see anyone. If you love me, then you can stay if you want." I ask "well do you love me?" you "didn't i just say that?" "no." "i will never love anyone else. Ever. Not after last night. You see...I was with this girl and... she did things to me....I will never forget." You are scared and frantic...I wake up.

sorry victim of time travel

***so many things happen before this***

i have traveled back in time. i am on a plane. i get up. Turbulence forces me to sit down next to this pepper grey-haired woman and a baby. I know this is flight 5. I know this plane crashes. I am not scared. I will make myself go to sleep at the right moment. Smoke-hazy-nebula-like glow floats through the air. Nobody panics because as it moves forward towards us, we assume it will pass. and once it passes it will gone. We think it's a chemical reaction. Not a fire in the engine. the baby yells "fuck!"

I dodge the first few large pieces of scrap metal. Little bits hit me in the forehead and cheeks, then my hands when i cover my face. i duck behind the chair in front of me and pull the pieces out. I thought this would hurt more, but in the moment each piece is like a urgently dull reality.

I am in a small chamber half the size of an airplane bathroom. A stewardess is being sucked down a tube much like they use at a bank drive through. Her face is covered with an oxygen mask. "The cowards!" i think to myself. I step in take a deep breath and hold my nose. The worst that will happen is I die. I would die in the chamber. I am spit out at the airport. This is an escape route for pilots and stewardesses during a crash. How fucked up. The lady working at the receiving end is surprised to see me. She asks if there's anyone behind me. I say no, but then i hear some sort of sound from the tube like there is...

I'm dumped in new york. It is 2009, but 9/11 has just happened. Really it's 1999 and my life is at the place it was in 2007. I know i can call David, but I don't remember his number. I figure I can go to my apartment and help me with whatever trouble i know i'm going through at this time, but i'm afraid to alter history. I am a sorry victim of time travel.

I am on a plane. it looks much like an auditorium. It is "airtran" A man takes up three seats next to me, laying down, lounging and what have you. He is sprawled out on all four seats with a large pan. I go to the bathroom to observe my dressed wounds. I am nervous about the flight. I watch my life for the past bit pass before my eyes. Kalonopin and vodka. "danielle!" the man says firmly, "Do you want Vegetables, Nuts, or Meat?" What? he points to the stewardess to my left "when the food comes..."
"oh,...vegetables."
I apologize to the man and explain i am confused. I consider telling him about my time travel problem. He asks me where i'm from. I say i'd love to answer that but i dont think i should (unfortunately you can't go back to your family if you've traveled through time....because you are there. you can't have any association to yourself). He asks why. I said i had an accident, i may or may not remember. I thumb a paper nervously in my hand.
I get a piece of paper filled out about the flight. My permanent address is listed as 1143 (or 147) Ascot something Trace pl. Newton, GA. The mailing address is a p.o. box with CA CA scribbled at the bottom.
"Well you have some reason in california" i look at him confused. "that address is in chico california." I'm still stuck with a confused look---thinking why i had a p.o box in chico california. "this flight goes to l.a. though i suppose you don't know that either..." I shake my head no --blame it on the accident. He asks if i got some sort of brain injury. I say no. I was on flight 5. "oh...." he says. "Do you know anything about time travel?" i ask. He looks at me with a "yes, but no" look on his face.
He pauses a moment and says,"i've spent most of my whole career work and campaigns on plane crashes. once a woman asked me to help with this aids program they were having. i said i couldn't do it. she got pretty mad, said i was insensitive...asked, how could you not care about a cause like aids? And i said...well because aids has never had any direct impact on my life. ...you know last time i went to california, i flew in twice, just to prove i could do it."

---i assume this man was on my plane with me, i assume he was behind me in the escape tube. i assume he ended up on the flight in the first place because it was attached some sort of wormhole. he is stuck in the same some sort of time travel warp dilemma as i

wake.

a quality rat

i was lucky enough to obtain a quality rat. we went together like peanut butter and jelly. he was smart and humble; he burrowed in the curve of my shoulder. we read each other's minds.

my grandmothers bought 5 terrible rats. they grabbed my good rat by the back of the neck and dragged him away. i grabbed each of the nasty rats by the jaw like snakes and held them tight in between my fingers so they would not escape.



-------------------


i lived in a room. they moved me out without asking. i couldn't find olive.


--------------------

Elliott smith was in the courtyard. David was sitting on the stairs. i knew i would meet him there and i knew he didn't know who i was. i jumped down from a high wall. i wore black sneaks. he looked at me concerned and then smiled as i trotted forward after stabilizing myself ahead of my feet with my fingertips. I threw my hair back, smiled at him. walked past him and looked back to see him watching me with some dreamy look on his face. i make eyes at him, but turn back ashamed, because i know what he doesn't know yet and how disappointing i will turn out to be.

later we are walking together. i'm afraid to climb the stairs. they are made of stacked books. it's too high for this, i say as the stacks fall apart.

I won't climb up, but i will jump down.

i made beautiful mono-prints.

i cut off all my hair so i can walk by you again as someone else.

heroin takes up a lot of time

david's band is playing a show at something is very much like a high school, if not actually a high school. i watch them play from the second row with about fifteen friends. some kid who is there new manager hits on me. he must not know who i am... so after the show i go to the bathroom. well i go and look at myself and i look a mess. i shaved a triangle into the side of my head. i guess it would cool if i didn't look so tired. i considered trying to go see david, but decided i looked too haggered. in the snack line is chris calzone and bryan miller and all those boys. they are all punked out like MAD. i ask them if they remember me and they all say OF COURSE and shower me with knuggies and hugs and cuddles and squeezes and it is great and i feel so safe. they are playing a show in the lobby. i see joey harmon in the snack line. i say hi. he ignores me, chris is holding me around the waist from behind with his chin on my head. i say whatever. i tell chris i dated a guy in that band for two years. and he said oh you should introduce me they weren't bad. i tell him i can't. i know david is successfully hiding out from me somewhere, and i don't want to be disrespectful. I want to ask chris about eric, but i decide it would be inappropriate...
so the boys start playing their show and they are really good. eric is there! and he looks alright..in between songs and during songs they slip in my name and tell me how much they miss me. i try to make eye contact with eric, but he pretends he doesn't see me. i walk outside to see if i can catch david because i know they have to load up their stuff eventually. i didn't want to be confrontational, i just wanted to see him. this kid says he'll come with me for moral support. he gives me a leather jacket and puts his arm around me. we walk down the side walk. i see david he comes out and is like "HEY i was gonna come see if i could find you but i decided i better not!!!" which is rude, but i was like "ohhh SAME!!!!" mimicking his enthusiasm. he takes me in for a hug and i hold my left wrist behind his back with my right hand. a hand grabs tight around my arm above the elbow. it's the guy that came with me. i break up the hug. i introduce him to david then realize i don't know his name. he extends the hand not holding my arm and says "hey man, i'm pete.' then turns and pulls me away. i fall. david says "oh!" pete keeps walking, dragging me behind him like a rag doll. i look at david and try to explain he doesn't mean it, that i don't even know him. he just says "oh!!" again and stares at us wide eyed. pete pulls me up on my feet, but continues to pull me by my arm, right above the elbow. i wonder, scared, if david will come send people to come beat him up. i decide he won't. i walk back to the show alone. this weird boogery punkrocker kid comes up to me and wants me to come into this weird room with him. I keep walking and refuse him. he follows me. I get back to the show and everyone is gone. the mics are still up, but some of the equipment is missing. I look at the boogery kid and ask where they went. He walks away and i follow him. he takes me to the room he was trying to take me into earlier. Conner and some other kid whose name i forgot enter through the door the kid tried to take me in earlier. they have hoods up over their heads. they are paranoid. i tell them it's just me. and they say oh. i pull the hood off one of their faces (conor's). his eyes were huge and black and his skin was pale and sweaty. i said oh sorry! and put it back over his face. then eric showed up and was like "not danielle, ah man" i felt bad. i said "eric it's okay, i don't care what you do. i love you no matter what bra'. you're doing your own thing i totally respect that." so he came in and talked to me for a two seconds. mentioned some chick named veronica. mumbled nonsense. i didn't want to ruin his high anymore than i already had, so i let them all go. i thought for two seconds about following them. but decided starting to do heroin would be a pretty big commitment. i walked home.