closure and the inevitable opposite

we are walking together down the street at night talking. stillness is light weight and hangs in the air like semi-flat soda(literally). we are holding hands or maybe we're not, or maybe sometimes we are and then we stop to let the other - itch his nose or maybe fiddle with some change in his pocket, she as in me, is always open handed waiting.

i am here for work of some sort, an exhibition i believe. i am still alone in life, though i am content and fulfilled. you seem the same, but i wouldn't know. we talk.
"it's looming, so i have to ask, what happened?"
"i dont know. it was too much and i couldn't handle it."
"it was really nothing and it didn't matter. it did, but now it doesn't"
"but it could have mattered, so i acted as it did, and if it would."
"i thought i'd just leave you alone."
"you shouldn't have. i didn't want you to. i wanted you to. and you did the right thing."
"it's good you're living here (missouri, minnesota, it started with an m). i'm in phili now."
"i know."

nothing is settled and shaking it up is useless because what we were is so weightless it can't help but remain suspended. it never quite gets in the way, but it never goes away either. like mineral flakes, in water. and nothing ever happened, so nothing needs to be wrapped up so everything will remain eternally unraveled. and we look at it on the floor like a heap of something that never belonged, but is there only because we bought the materials, and failed to build. or some little yarn ball creature you made some time ago--that's worth the effort it would take to throw away, but you can't help but keep it.

a quality rat

i was lucky enough to obtain a quality rat. we went together like peanut butter and jelly. he was smart and humble; he burrowed in the curve of my shoulder. we read each other's minds.

my grandmothers bought 5 terrible rats. they grabbed my good rat by the back of the neck and dragged him away. i grabbed each of the nasty rats by the jaw like snakes and held them tight in between my fingers so they would not escape.



-------------------


i lived in a room. they moved me out without asking. i couldn't find olive.


--------------------

Elliott smith was in the courtyard. David was sitting on the stairs. i knew i would meet him there and i knew he didn't know who i was. i jumped down from a high wall. i wore black sneaks. he looked at me concerned and then smiled as i trotted forward after stabilizing myself ahead of my feet with my fingertips. I threw my hair back, smiled at him. walked past him and looked back to see him watching me with some dreamy look on his face. i make eyes at him, but turn back ashamed, because i know what he doesn't know yet and how disappointing i will turn out to be.

later we are walking together. i'm afraid to climb the stairs. they are made of stacked books. it's too high for this, i say as the stacks fall apart.

I won't climb up, but i will jump down.

i made beautiful mono-prints.

i cut off all my hair so i can walk by you again as someone else.

poor girl

in my room birds gather at my feet. i step carefully to not hurt them. i let them out into the hall.

chelsea lets people in from a sofa in the other room. she is watching t.v. i am waiting for you. someone kisses me not long enough. his girlfriend sits at his side and waits patiently. he was supposed to be you, and i know you will not come.


earlier i tried to find you at a fair, but all my signal signs were mimicked in the air. the powers that be said wait. i wore a lucky penny embedded in glass around my neck. a dainty girl helped me read an inscription with the magnifying glass she wore around hers. saint agnes and the alps etched on either side. it was a locket.

i found you playing in a vaudeville show. i sat in front in a large velvet sofa chair. your costuming was obscene and beautiful. girls danced all around you. you had no need for me. i decided not to come up to you after the show