I passed by T and he is hugging old friends goodbye.  I decide not to bother him. I am sitting in the airport and mom is upset.  I console her I tell her I can see.  Grandma always appears and I ask her questions.  I tell mom and she says that I am confused.  Worried. Says she doesn't believe me.  Thinks I am on drugs.  I walk around the airport.  I am here without a ticket, but i need to get home with mom.  Grandma appears again.  This time, I say, we have to show mom you are real.  I try to ask her a story only my mom would know, but she is fixated on a razor.  She's freaking out about the razor, breathing heavy.  It's not the right way she said.  It's not right.  I tell her it's just the way it's meant to be.  it's just the way it's always been.  and she gave the air that I should know better than that.  and I feared for her life.  she was already dead.  i feared for the state her soul's eternity would endure.

and since I didn't have a ticket I decided to walk. up this ramp,
T calls my name, though I already knew he was behind me
we walk together to the end of the hall by the bathrooms
we kiss and i have his back up against the wall.  he pulls me to him
We are still kissing and now my back is to the wall.

I stop because I have a feeling my mom is in the bathroom.  I try the handle and the door is unlocked, so I take a peak in.  She is there, bare assed on the pot.  I notice bruises on the insides of her arms as I close the door.
She comes out and t uses the bathroom while we wait.  I wait to confront her until we are walking away. The people around make me speak in code.  speaking to my mother makes me air on the side of caution.  deciding a non-judging tone would solicit the most honest answers.  Have you been doing charlie? I ask.  And she says yes.  and I say, well I can't leave with you then.  I'm sure you understand.
Even though I didn't have a ticket in the first place.  Breaking way felt like free.
She said she spent all my money anyway.  anything that was once mine is gone.  All of it.
I am crying in t's arms and he is consoling me.  but he too, is on heroin.  and now that i have nothing to give, I must give myself.  myself to him.  the fact i resist in proves I am a coward, he says.  i don't care what he says and I run run away

I am in a car leaving the airport, telling the story to the girl behind the wheel.  She is so involved she gets distracted and veers off into mud.  I will the wheels to keep moving so we don't get stuck.  Almost through.  But then we drop into a sinkhole.  and end up in a really cool ditch
which is not really a ditch and not all that cool because there are doors around us...one that leads to I dont know where and the other that leads to a home.
I am sticky I am itchy there are cobwebs in my hair.  and I am bit.  I am being bit everything itches and everything is swelling.  This is a spider.  on my gosh and it hurts.
I take a step back and see a line of webs goes diagonally across the ditch.  Effective security system I think, though it's hard to tell which side they are protecting, or just that they guard one world from the other. and what side did we end up on? which way weren't we supposed to go.
and these aren't normal spiders
the cop who gets me wont take me to the hospital, so i jump out of the moving squad car.  even though the hospital is a children's hospital, they see me right away.
these are not spider bites they say. just a dirt bug.  an ant
and i convince them otherwise

the woman sqweezing the pussy mound and out comes a spider.  very leggy. fast. really hard to kill.  wants to bite.  and it bites. and creates a mound which in lives a hibernating spider.  everyone bite by a spider makes another spider.    because they bite just as fast as they leave.  they are burrowing all over your skin.  and no matter how long or hard I work to squeeze them out and kill them in hopes to cure myself of the initial bite, I am biten.  it is part  of my identity.  the contagion of spiderbites.  They start to live inside my brain and eyes.

they took my money and the tags off my car.
he said the tags were expired anyway.  I was gone too long.
I fought back.  said i knew the tags were still good.  he was a theif
he held my throat and i screamed for help
told me I would let him take me in my car.  no you can't use his car
the police said it looked like i loved it
so he was no help
i threw a fit
and became worried they might think i was on drugs
for having feelings


james wrrites me a letter on a yellow post it thanking me for my time, saying this is the first time in his life he's been really doing the damn thing and that his bf has been a great addition to his life.  he told me to stay on medication and keep up with my insurance so I can keep up with myself. I LOVE YOU large and scratched at the bottom.  his boyfriend hand delivers a purse from thailand, notebook and a handful of inch tall yarn dolls (the Guatemalan kind you keep under your pillow).  He held up one of the dolls and said, "these are your children and their lives will fulfill your destiny."

impending doom

it is known by all that they will come to take me.  or hurt me.  it's just a matter of when.  I'm not sure what I will be fighting, so I don't know if I will defeat them.

i scan the home for intruders.  only one body.  that body is mine.  i tell the air to tell me when someone else arrives.  so i can prepare.  lights flash and people pour in from the basement.  my family my friends.  I know someone is on there way. or maybe they're already here.  this someone was sent to harm me.  i just dont know who it is.